


malibu nights

by iloveyoungho2090234



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Boys In Love, Break Up, Broken Promises, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Don't Judge, Don't Like Don't Read, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Hurt, I Don't Even Know, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Inspired By Tumblr, Inspired by Art, Inspired by Music, Inspired by Poetry, Inspired by Real Events, Love, Love/Hate, M/M, Memories, Memory Related, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Not Beta Read, One Shot, POV Male Character, Please Don't Hate Me, Post-Break Up, Random & Short, Random Song Challenge, Run, Sad, Sad Ending, Sad John, Sad Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun, Secrets, Short One Shot, Tears, Teen Angst, True Love, Valentine's Day, dumb, i don't wanna love you anymore, if you see her, let me know, malibu nights, taking me back, thick and thin, through these tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 19:14:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18817279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iloveyoungho2090234/pseuds/iloveyoungho2090234
Summary: 'if you see him, tell him i'm happy for him.'





	malibu nights

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [malibu nights](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/480913) by lany. 



> this is a mess, sorry.

thick and thin 

jaehyun doesn't usually get upset during fights but johnny's pressed too many buttons tonight, he's yelling at him for every single thing that's going wrong between them but also for everything that's going wrong in the world and he's refusing any advice or help and jaehyun feels useless. meaningless. he can't help his boyfriend, there's nothing to say and he's just staring blankly at the taller man who's having a fit. he looks down and his eyes fill up with tears, thinking 'this might break us' and, he ends up being unfortunately right.  
"you know what, we can't do this anymore."  
and just like that, it's over. there's nothing to say anymore, except the idea that they could've been something. they just could have avoided this but it's okay. it's going horribly wrong and this is their last fight but jaehyun doesn't even want to fight anymore. no more lashing out on him, no more crying and hurting but that means there's no more cuddles at 3am after horribly long days, no more kisses in the shower, no more smell of johnny's cologne all over jaehyun's sheets, everywhere in his apartment, there isn't much left. all that there's left is the valentine's day gifts, the birthday gift cards, johnny's toothbrush and shampoo that he decided to leave at jaehyun's place. there's the coat that johnny grew out of so he decided to give it to jaehyun and those weird smelling candles that johnny gifted him with the only intention to use them himself because he knows jaehyun, he knows that the younger doesn't like strong scents, except those sugary ones they only sell during the holidays and it kinda feels like johnny's the only person who knows jaehyun. the only one who sees past through those walls he built, the one who sees that the cold glances only mean he's tired or anxious, the only one who hears a warm and inviting voice instead of a deep and intimidating one, he's kind of the only one, for jaehyun, that is. he's the one that jaehyun thought he would stay with through thick and thin.

taking me back 

jaehyun's regretting everything he said during those nights he said things he didn't mean, every time johnny would be fed up from his exhausting days, every time they'd have stupid fights that degenerate where they start saying things they never mean. he misses johnny, wishes he could just go knock on his door but he doesn't know his new adress in Chicago, his hometown he went back to live in, after their break up. jaehyun's at a point where he would do anything to have johnny back, wether it be to go on study dates at that café johnny loves, only for the nice staff and not for the shit coffee they make, jaehyun knows that the older only used to go there to have good chats with strangers when he's lonely but also because he's too nice to not complain about their shit coffee. he sees the other at the same spot he always sits in, with his dark specs on, running his hand through his messy but soft hair too many times to count, usually with a book the size of a brick in hand and jaehyun can't help but smile through his aching heart because fuck, he's got it bad. he's got it so bad that he still forgets to breathe whenever johnny is near, his ears turn red at the sight of the taller man doing pretty much nothing interesting and he can't help but still feel those butterflies he felt when he first saw him. he's got it so bad that he would do quite literally anything to get johnny to take him back.

if you see him

johnny hasn't heard from jaehyun in too long for it to be normal. the younger usually texts him once in a while to catch up and it gives johnny a little happiness to feel like his ex cares because, he'd never wanna admit so but, he's still madly in love with jaehyun and it feels like maybe he can live without him better than he thought because it'd been a while but at the same time, he can't live without jaehyun's stupid and simple texts, his stupid and random 'hey how are you?' texts he sends when it's late at night, maybe when he's too tipsy to make good decisions but not drunk enough to make typos while sending his ex stupid messages. johnny hangs out with the same people, he gets news from them about how jaehyun's been living and quite frankly, he seems to be doing okay, contrary to what johnny had imagined. he'd hate to hear that jaehyun's been doing horrible but he always doesn't think he should be so happy that he's been doing good without him. johnny doesn't have many things to say usually and especially not for when his friends start talking about jaehyun's new achievements. they don't do it with purpose to make his heart ache, his friends have the right to be happy for jaehyun, it's just that he can't help the feeling that hits him every time, that feeling that something's missing and that he can never get that back. he ends up staying in silence and ending the conversation with something along the lines of 'if you see him, tell him that i'm happy for him'. 

i don't wanna love you anymore

jaehyun's been told that johnny asks about him every once in a while and he can't help feel his heart flutter. he hates it, the fact that he just can't seem to get over him. he's heard too many times that it's hard to move on but it seems like it's so damn impossible for him, like it's too high up the heavens for him to reach. he endlessly wonders to himself if johnny's kept the gifts he's given him through the years, the letters, the pictures, hell, even those stupid silk bedsheets that johnny begged him to buy, more or less for the comfort than for the aesthetic. he wonders what johnny means when he passes messages of good intentions through their friends in common, he wonders if they mean nothing, just a quick thought to someone he used to be in love with, someone who used to mean something or if they mean everything, a 'how are you?' that means 'i still love you', a quick little message to signal that he wants jaehyun back, but then, how could he. how could he want jaehyun back and how could jaehyun think like that. he feels like it's delusional, the idea of johnny coming back to him, the idea that johnny longs for him like he does. jaehyun's lovesick, too tired to even try to move on, too exhausted to explain all the reasons why he can't get johnny out of his mind after all these months, he can't help but look at all their souvenirs that all symbolize memories that once didn't mean much but now that they're over, they mean everything, they're the only thing that jaehyun can hold onto. the thought of throwing all of it away crosses his mind every time he gets sad but then he just can't bring himself to do the deed. then he thinks that he's just moving on slowly and yet, he'd still do anything to just have a simple conversation with johnny and then he has to remind himself that he shouldn't have those thoughts because he doesn't wanna love johnny anymore.

let me know

johnny's not the one to feel like he's in the wrong, he usually avoids conflict and he has the bad habit to blame others when he's in the wrong, he knows it's not good, it's kind of immature and unhealthy, he knows. he would love to change that about himself but he's a little stubborn and changing a bad habit is harder than he thinks, except for that one person. jaehyun, the only person to who he wants to apologize. he'd love to get another chance to see him do anything. to observe how the other man laughs, loud or quiet, to see his ears turn red when he's embarrassed or shy, to hear him rant about anything, to hear his voice on the phone again but it's time. it's time to let go, he thinks, and so he has to. he has to stop thinking about jaehyun, it's been too long for it to be normal that he still wants jaehyun in every single way. johnny makes horrible decisions, accepts to go on date with smaller boys that all are too similar to jaehyun with their broad shoulders and from the way they run their hands through their hair that looks soft like jaehyun's hair, the way they laugh and speak in a low voice. johnny ends things with them on the first date, one ends up feeling hurt, almost starts crying and johnny has to put the boy back together before they go their separate ways, deciding to not text him ever again. one ends up simply angry, almost starts yelling in the bowling alley that's filled with old people before johnny has to calm him down, whispering that the place is too calm for him to yell like that and that it isn't personal. johnny has to explain to his countless dates that it won't work because he doesn't want anything serious but also doesn't want sex, it's just that he doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't stay in touch with any of his dates except one, a small boy from Thailand who goes by ten. the boy has a very laidback vibe but he also gives off that i-can-ruin-your-life-at-any-moment vibe and johnny kinda craves the danger and the adrenaline rush that it gives him, the fact that ten, one of the hottest boys he's ever had in his bed, craves his touch and laughs in that sexy way and his eye-fucking thing he has going on. the boy's a flirt, confident in everything he does, he's charming, really, and johnny thinks that maybe it's okay to keep him around, to set things up so that he has a fuck friend to who he can occasionally run to when he wants the adrenaline and the pleasure but also the desire to make people feel good. johnny can't help but moan jaehyun's name though, and that's when ten snaps, makes a decision for him that they should stop and only see each other as friends. it kinda works in johnny's favour because he couldn't care less, he knows he'd give up anything for jaehyun still and that maybe he does need another friend who knows him in a different way. he finds a different kind of comfort in ten because he can rant to him. he can tell him about all the little subtle things he noticed about jaehyun and all the ways he'd try to get jaehyun back. all the conversations he'd love to have that he made up and he explains how bad he wishes he could just hit jaehyun up, telling him about everything he's feeling, how he'd love to change his bad habit and tell jaehyun to let him know if there's anything he can do to fix things. he'd love it if jaehyun could just let him know about a couple secrets and mysteries.

run

jaehyun's not an asshole, he's charming and smiles a lot, he has something about him that makes him look inviting yet intimidating, maybe it's because he looks strong with his broad shoulders, but really, he's just soft, his heart flutters at too many things, his ears turn red all the time because he gets embarrassed or shy easily, he's accidentally flirty because of how nice he is, sometimes he uses that to his advantage because he knows he has that effect on people, he knows he's good looking and no, he's not an asshole, he uses that rarely, he's too nice to use people except tonight. he's so fucking exhausted of thinking about johnny, he's tired of feeling lonely and longing for someone who's gone, out of his life and not coming back. he needs distraction before he loses it and so, he goes out, angry and with the intention to bring someone home with him, to change his mind. he ends up in a shady dive bar with drunk people singing karaoke. he's on his fifth drink and no one seems to be here alone except one red haired guy, a bit smaller than him, sharp jawline, huge eyes with a strange scar next to his eye, nice lips and jaehyun usually needs something more than appearance to get turned on by someone but he's too drunk to think normally and he decides to walk over the smaller boy, makes small talk, drops hints that he wants to get laid tonight and it's a done deal. the boy, taeyong, a name he learned 2 minutes ago, decides to hail a taxi, they go to his place, make out some more and jaehyun undresses the small boy, leaves drunk sloppy kisses over the stranger's neck who moans at his touch. they complete each other in the weirdest of ways considering they don't know shit about each other, but they don't need to. it's still passionate even though they're strangers, they make love even if they're not in love and it feels like fire and art. jaehyun takes care of taeyong, sees that he might've taken out his anger a little too hard during sex, notices how taeyong is sleepy and worn off, he notices the marks he left over the smaller man and he likes them. taeyong is far from being his but it's still nice to see his work, his artwork. he waits until taeyong is asleep to write down his number and his name on a post it before leaving, going back to his apartment. the two of them keep in touch, they see each other to fuck, too much to jaehyun's liking but then, they go on dates. they're distracting and entertaining and jaehyun doesn't think much of them but he still isn't letting himself fall. he doesn't love taeyong that way, he's only felt it for johnny and it's not about taeyong, how could it be? the man is art after all. jaehyun experiences for the first time how it feels to be an asshole, to not be nice when he has a talk with taeyong, explains to the older that it won't work because he's not over his ex, because he's in love with someone else and taeyong's angry. taeyong feels used and heartbroken because contrary to jaehyun, he fell hard for him. jaehyun explains that he can't have serious things, he just likes the sex, jaehyun's way too honest with him so out of anger, taeyong tells him to fuck off, to never talk to him again and they end things with taeyong repeating that jaehyun should run back to johnny.

valentine's day

johnny's not alone on valentine's day, much to his surprise, and the older man's hand he's holding isn't enough to make him think about jaehyun. it's valentine's day and jaehyun's birthday, all he can think about is the past years he's had with jaehyun, the numerous times they've spent in restaurants, bowling alleys, arcades, coffee shops, record shops, malls, every single place they've been to, laughing, making memories. he thinks that the older man, taeil, isn't jaehyun enough. yes, he's smaller than him, he has a cute laugh and such a good singing voice, johnny thinks it's angelic and he has that gaze on him that makes him know he likes him, really likes him, but johnny's not sure. he thinks it's time to let go, it's time to let his heart a chance to fall in love again but there's still so much love for jaehyun, he thinks about him constantly. taeil likes the 1975 and frank ocean, just like jaehyun and they listen to those songs together, taeil sings them with that heavenly voice, not missing one note, his voice is perfect, but johnny can't help himself to think about jaehyun's voice singing those songs. how jaehyun used to hum, how he'd feel the vibration when his head was against his chest and he can't get that out of his head. johnny's still madly in love with jaehyun, the boy born on valentine's day with who he's always celebrated valentine's day with and this year, he's not with him but the world hasn't stopped because johnny's wish of jaehyun sleeping next to him instead of taeil, the universe is still moving fast, time is ticking and them not being together doesn't change anything in the universe because in the end, they're just not together. johnny's not alone but he feels like he is without him. it's still jaehyun's birthday, it's still valentine's day.

through these tears

johnny's always been known for his positive attitude, for his resilience to accept that things are the way they are, for his ability to let go of the things that weren't meant for him, for the way he lives by the idea that 'it is what it is' and shit happens and good stuff comes with time and there's always good karma in what feels like a bad day. he convinces himself everyday that in the end, he's gonna be alright, even if it takes him a year or 5. he tells himself that it's okay to think about jaehyun because he played such a big part in his life, he was his best friend and his boyfriend and he meant so much because they've been through thick and thin together, they've grown up together and now they're not together. johnny turns his sleepless and lonely nights into fun and wild nights where he drives around town until he's lost and out of town or he goes out, flirts with several people only to get some sort of rush, only to go home alone, not having given his number to anyone. there's just too many things that remind him of jaehyun and it seems like every time he goes to that certain club where he met jaehyun, in hopes of running into the younger, they always play that one song that jaehyun loves and sang to him countless times. johnny drinks alone, sometimes he cries and thinks about how deep he's in, about how in love with jaehyun he is and how he hopes that it's not the best thing he's ever had, even if it feels like that. he's alone and he misses jaehyun, he can't seem to get over the other and he can't stop thinking about him but it's alright and so he decides to make out with a few random girls and guys, gets too drunk and pukes and he just ends up crying and telling himself that it's okay, he's okay with not seeing who he's kissing through his tears.

malibu nights

jaehyun's never felt this lonely in his life, he thinks. he's tipsy and alone, he drifts between sleep and being awake, dealing with his thoughts of johnny while he's staring at the ceiling and smelling like whiskey. he wonders if johnny feels lonely too, wonders if he sleeps well or not, if his heart is still broken and how he's dealing with their break up. it's only been a few months and jaehyun thinks about how much time he has to waste now. he's alone, left with too much time, left with all the time that he used to spend with johnny, going on dates or spending the night in, watching stupid youtube videos, laughing about things that aren't funny just because they're exhausted from work and jaehyun can't clear his mind, and so, he can't fall asleep. he almost wishes he could forget johnny but then he's reminded about how happy he made him, all the happy memories, all of johnny in his glory when he's humming random songs, making up melodies or dancing, teasing jaehyun, laughing with his whole body and how caring he is, how motivating he is to others and jaehyun's hurting but he doesn't regret anything but it still feels like he'll never get someone better, he'll never get johnny back and it's like he's doomed to stay alone, in his small apartment in malibu, spending all his time alone and sad, thinking about johnny. he still hasn't moved on and it's not okay right now because it hurts and he feels so lonely. maybe it's because he has too many lonely nights spent in malibu, around things that remind him of johnny. maybe he should move out of this place but he wants to hold onto memories of when his times in malibu were happy because of him, it's the only thing he chooses to really hold onto, now that malibu became a sad place to spend the night in.

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by all the songs on lany's album, 'malibu nights'.
> 
> thank you if you read. comment what you think, perhaps?


End file.
